Odd Day

I really shouldn't title this "Odd Day" as today hasn't been that odd. I'm just in an odd mood today.

Actually the mood isn't that odd either. So ok the title is ALL wrong.. sue me.

Anyone, who has talked to me for any length of time on a personal level, knows that I've been struggling lately (if lately means last several years anyway) with the direction that my life has taken.

Part of this has been my choices, and part of this has been choices thrust upon me.

Nevertheless, I've been in a quandry. Everytime I think I'm making a good decision to go one path, something happens to make me doubt that choice and wonder if I should switch paths again. Life really should have a road map. If you want to be HERE, follow this road. Though knowning me, I'd probably use that map, get to the "HERE" and still think I made the wrong choice and want to go "THERE" instead.

Today has narrowed down some choices for me. Which when someone mentioned wine to me earlier tonight, I remembered the untouched stock of wines I had, I decided tonight was a good to partake in some.

So now I sit here drinking a French wine, while nibbling on French cheese, (Which sounds much more snooty than it looks btw) trying to wrap my head around my potential futures.

Today I saw my allergist. He's the first of many in a long line of doctors who actually believes me about my struggles and reactions to foods. He even flat out told me that I probably know better than him about my reactions and the consequences, and which foods are most problematic and how to avoid them. This was encouraging to me, as at least he believes me which is a HUGE step in the right direction.

Unfortunately, this was followed by a confirmation from him that I would be saddled with my current restricted diet FOREVER. It's not like I didn't already know it, or that I thought that he would have some solution, but it was hearing it from my doctor that really hit home.

So now I'm trying to plan a life with these restrictions, wondering to myself how strong I am, how much of this I can do on my own, what other limitations is this going to include, and how long can I keep this up?

While I wonder, I'm drinking a glass of wine and eating cheese in hope of drowning out reality for just a little while.

Its a sad day for me, but I'll bounce back tomorrow. Tonight though I just need to mourn for the options I've lost, and hold tight onto the little thread of hope that refuses to die.